Where Do I Begin?
by Coral
Summary: Slight Endgame Spoilers: On the eve of a history-changing decision, Kathryn Janeway wonders how to explain what she's about to do.


Where Do I Begin?  
By Coral  
  
Disclaimer: I'm surprised I'm still talking to TPTB after "Endgame".  
Dedication: For Mart, because you unwittingly introduced me to this song, and for Jade and Bec.  
  
Endgame spoilers, kinda. This is only loosed based, and I haven't seen it yet, after all.  
  
  
  
  
Admiral Kathryn Janeway looked up from her computer screen with a heavy sigh. The day was bright, and sunlight streamed through the windows of her office in Starfleet Command, showing up the dancing dust particles in their rivers of light. The sunlight bathed Golden Gate Bridge in its warm light, and reflected off the windows of the buildings opposite. Kathryn Janeway couldn't help but think back to that day ten years ago, when Voyager had swept low over that bridge... she remembered nearly laughing with delight as Tom nearly scraped Voyager's underbelly on the highest point. He'd turned and looked at her and winked jauntily.  
It wasn't until later that she realised he was enjoying what he believed might be his last ever chance to pilot Voyager - or indeed, if Starfleet didn't show him leniancy, his last chance ever to pilot a starship - and she had simply thought his antics to be merely caused by the high spirits nearly everyone else was feeling. She remembered being in such a good mood that she had turned around and hugged Chakotay then and there, on the bridge in front of the senior staff. And whilst he was dating Seven, no less...   
She shuddered at the memory, and turned away from the window and back to her computer screen, wondering where to start.  
She wondered briefly if this was what writing a suicide note was like. How could she get all her thoughts, feelings, regrets and wishes into one brief transmission before existance as she knew it ceased?  
She sighed and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She'd been thinking about this and planning it for some time; nearly 8 years now. Now that it had come to the last thing before her plan was set in motion, she found herself hesitant. She knew she had to do this, had to go through with it - but how could she explain it in mere words? Words weren't enough to convey the depth of her feelings and devotion.  
Where could she begin?  
"Chakotay, I love you"? Not enough, never enough... too little, too late... 'love' was too weak a word to describe the way she felt about him. She'd give her life for him to be happy.  
Which was basically what she was doing...   
She tried turning her wandering attention back to her uncomposed message. How to find the words? Pushing herself out of the chair, she wandered over to the window, seeking inspiration. Leaning on the windowsill, she tilted her head onto her shoulder and stared out over the bay. The people below seemed so small, and so insignificant, and she was holding their future in her hands. They scurried below her like ants, and she felt like the little boy about to come along with a magnifying glass and stick... disturbing them, killing them, destroying them.  
And she would do that, for him.  
There were no words for that.  
Nothing she could say would ever explain it to him.  
So, where to start in explaining the unexplainable?  
She turned back to the computer with a heavy sigh. There was so much she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come. Chakotay meant more to her than life itself, but how could she say that to him when she had just changed history to allow him and Seven to have a long, happy life together?  
How could she ruin it by sending him a message explaining that he was her everything? How could she tell him about the way that he had brought meaning into her life ever since she had first met him, when she was asking him to turn to another woman for the comfort and love she wanted? How could she tell him that he filled her soul and gave her existance meaning, when she was asking him to turn away from her from his own sake?  
Wherever she went, he had been there, at her side. He'd always been a step behind her, offering his silent, omnipresent support. She'd always relied on it and taken it for granted. How could she finally thank him for it - then tell him not to offer it anymore?  
How could she begin to say what she always meant to say?  
The Admiral looked down at her hands. Suddenly, they seemed too small and too fragile to be handling this. For one brief moment, Kathryn Janeway - the same Kathryn Janeway who had fought the Borg, and won; the same Kathryn Janeway who had brought her crew safely home from the Delta Quadrant - felt like giving up on the idea entirely and settling down for a long and peaceful life, even if it was the one she was currently living.  
The fragile hand trembled slightly as it pulled open the compartment under the desk. Barely aware of what she was doing, she dug deep under piles of PADD's, papers and other miscellania, to pull out an old fashioned photo frame. Her fingers tightened around the metallic frame as she stared at the reason she was doing this.  
Two smiling faces looked up at her; a beautiful blonde and a dark handsome man. They had their arms around one another and their faces were bathed in glorious sunlight. The expressions on those faces were those of two people who had managed to find heaven in one another.  
A tear splashed onto the frame, and the Admiral quickly wiped it off with her thumb. Her thoughts, her feelings and her dreams were irrelevant. If she could give Chakotay this peace once more, she would find her peace.  
She turned back to the computer one final time, finally understanding where to start. She couldn't; she simply couldn't. He would only find that happiness with Seven, so with Seven he must be. Any hint of hope between Chakotay and herself would be detrimental to her goal.  
With slightly more force than was necessary, she shoved the picture back into the drawer. Finishing her cold tea in one gulp, she shut down the computer terminal hurriedly. Heading towards the door, she only paused to look back once, at the recording chip she had been intending to take and give to Chakotay.  
How could she begin to describe all he meant to her?  
She couldn't.  
  
=/\=End=/\=  
  



End file.
